PanchoVillenueve's Laws of Hoonage

"PanchoVilleneuve ST" (PanchoVilleneuve) 01/15/2014 at 18:46 • Filed to: None

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This is something I've been wanting to put into writing for a while, as a longtime car nerd. These are the irrefutable truths of cars, as far as I am concerned. These are gospel. These are science. You will never be able to convince me otherwise.

THE FIRST LAW OF HOONAGE: There are no boring cars, there are only boring drivers.

Think about what a car is, nothing specific, but the platonic ideal of one. A car is a large metal object, propelled forward at great speeds by dinosaurs which are exploding thousands of times a second in something comparable to a self-reloading cannon battery, an electromagnet being spun by enough electricity to kill you dead or, in the case of rotaries, unicorn farts and witchcraft. The idea of a car is an exciting thing, and these are qualities shared by all of them. Unless it's steam powered, and then it just makes Jay Leno late for work.

Cars are special, wonderful things. All of them, no matter how "beige" they are. Sure, some are more wonderful than others, but nothing is truly boring. What is boring, however, are drivers. Put someone who gives a shit into a Prius, they can still find a way to have fun in it. People who don't care about cars would make a Group B car boring. This is because:

THE SECOND LAW OF HOONAGE: If it has wheels, it can be hooned.

Cars, motorcycles, bikes, Power Wheels, Lawnmowers, Segways, unicycles, golf carts, Cozy Coupes, red wagons, anything. Doesn't matter what it is. Hoonage is always possible when wheels are involved. This is a concept so simple, I don't really need to explain it further.

THE THIRD LAW OF HOONAGE: The ideal amount of power a daily driver should have is just slightly less than what it needs.

Power is awesome. There is no denying that. Power equals speed, speed often equals fun. But most of the time you are behind the wheel, speed also equals tickets or reckless driving convictions. This makes hoonage on the street not just difficult, but dangerous and illegal.

There is, however, a way around this, drive an underpowered car. This is the true secret to driving happiness. A car with too-little power is a car that must be driven hard at all times in order to actually get anywhere. It is a car that will give you everything it has, and in return, your commute will become a form of motorsport. You will be an active participant, whether you like it or not. And you will like it. You will like it with every fiber of your being. Every stoplight becomes a dragstrip, every corner or hill becomes an exercise in momentum preservation. The rev limiter will be your best friend. You will be getting groceries like Ayrton Senna and nobody else will have any idea. You will be smiling so big everyone will think you are crazy. But you are not. You are just in love.

Blondude > PanchoVilleneuve ST 01/15/2014 at 18:51

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WHY CAN'T I RECOMMEND THIS MORE?!?

JustWaitingForAMate > PanchoVilleneuve ST 01/15/2014 at 18:57

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Hmm...I disagree with the 3rd law. I posted it earlier today, but I'll say it again :

'Better to have and not need, then need and not have.'

CAR_IS_MI > PanchoVilleneuve ST 01/15/2014 at 19:01

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Dude, I straight hooned the shit out of my Cozy Coupe.

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > PanchoVilleneuve ST 01/15/2014 at 19:02

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Hear hear :)

I'm confident that no. 3 is the reason cars like the MGB, Midget, Spitfire and Mini were so damn popular.

Even by the standards of the day, they were pretty slow. But they're just so damn fun to hustle along a road.

To paraphrase, 'every drive becomes a sprint'.

TwoFortified > PanchoVilleneuve ST 01/15/2014 at 19:20

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First law only applies to MT (in my extremely humble and biased opinion).

Or, to rephrase: The first rule is more readily apparent with a MT

My DD was a Geo Metro for awhile. It had a stick...and I hooned the fuck out of it (top speed on that car was something like 75 MPH, so even at my most batshit-insane, I couldn't REALLY go that fast...and thinking back, I'm not sure that I ever did. That thing would get the shakes at about 70, and I want to live, so...)

Brian, The Life of > PanchoVilleneuve ST 01/15/2014 at 20:07

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And the preamble to the Laws of Hoonage is:

Never endanger anyone but yourself whilst hooning.

/killjoy

153624 - Straight Six > PanchoVilleneuve ST 01/15/2014 at 20:54

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amen

Law 3 is particularly applicable to me. Every single stop light is taken at WOT in my wonderful underpowered e36. I shift only slightly late in the interest of civility, but it is fantastically rewarding to drive a slow car fast.

EuroJosh > PanchoVilleneuve ST 01/15/2014 at 21:24

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This so accurately describes how I learned to drive. My first car was a saturn sc2 1.9 dual cam and 5 speed. I still have it. I hooned it so hard I actually blew the differential when shifting into 5th at 85mph. Its slow but its an absolute blast.

ihm96 > JustWaitingForAMate 01/15/2014 at 22:22

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But then your forced to drive below the limit of the car's potential, which is less fun. The "Better to have and not need, then need and not have" argument is what boring drivers practice. Why do you think they all have SUVs? BTW if you're an arrested development fan just think of when Lindsay and Tobias purchase their house. If not an arrested development fan please go watch the whole series

JustWaitingForAMate > ihm96 01/15/2014 at 22:39

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I went from a Ford Laser making 97 hp to a Commodore V8 making 362 hp.

I drove that Laser for 9 years like it was stolen. You know what I learned? Pushing a car almost to its breaking point for day to day driving on public roads is not a smart or safe way to drive a car. It adds unnecessary wear and unnecessary risk to the equation. Having to go balls out to even attempt to overtake someone, or merge isn't fun. Those practices are for the track. The car I have now handles better, idles though its day to day life, and if I ever need to punch it, I know it can do it without even batting an eye.

If I do decide I need to let loose, that's what track days are for, that is when I will drive the car right to the edge knowing I'm at a place where I can do it without risking the lives of others or risking my licence. Does that make me boring? Possibly. Does that make me more responsible on the road? Yes I believe it does.

I'm one episode into the netflix season.

ihm96 > JustWaitingForAMate 01/15/2014 at 22:49

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Its rare that any car isn't able to safely merge nowadays, and you don't necessarily need to overtake anyone. And I think people wanting power like you have is fine, its the same as any other modern convenience in newer cars. I mostly just wanted to defend the post, which is not in the most serious tone. Also I've never driven in australia so my experience may be vastly different

JustWaitingForAMate > ihm96 01/15/2014 at 23:18

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I do a 50km drive almost weekly south of Sydney along a freeway/highway where the speed limit is 110km/h. I'll be overtaking non-stop the entire trip as people will sit on 105 or lower. Worse is when they speed up as you come alongside them so you do want that extra bit of oomph to jump ahead and get out of the overtaking lane, as sitting in it without overtaking can net you a fine.